Going "semi"-unplugged

Well, it's been a little over 2 weeks since my D&C and my last blog.  Some days are better than others and the last 3 or 4 days have probably been the worst so far.  Physically I am fine.  I went to the doctor on Friday and she gave me the A-OK to go back to normal activities.  She said the labs came back on the tissue and all was normal (it wasn't a molar pregnancy or any other kind of genetic issue) which is a huge relief.  Mentally and emotionally however...that's another story...

It started out last week.  Cowboy was spending all of his time and focusing all of his attention on a friend of his who was hospitalized (for what exactly I'm not sure but I think it was a mild heart attack).  That started Monday night and by Friday I was really needing some attention.  I tried really really hard to be understanding and for the most part I was but at 10pm on Friday night when he still wasn't home and I had been waiting for him all afternoon and evening I became irate.  When he finally came home we got into a huge fight and I think that's when the flood gates opened.

I wasn't just mad at him I was mad at the whole world. I was mad at me for being mad...it was a perpetual downward spiral.  I spent the next two days (yes, my whole weekend) in bed. I got up to shower, get something to drink and the occasional something to eat ( I didn't have much of an appetite).  All of Saturday and most of Sunday we MAYBE said 20 words to each other.

So after watching enough TV to last me for the rest of the year - I was spending the rest of the time on facebook, on my phone.  I am a facebook junkie - I will be the first to admit it.  But the more I was on facebook the more depressed and upset I got.  I started to feel like I was stuck in a house, looking out the window at everyone else's happy lives while mine continues to be shitty. Here are the ways I feel that my life is shitty:

• I can't find a good-full-time pay-by-the-hour job.  
• The job I DO have has severely slowed down so my patient load is a fraction of what it once was - so instead of making almost $300 a week (which is pathetic considering I am a RN and COULD be making upwards of $1000 a week) I am now lucky to net $185 a week. This is not enough to survive on
• Cowboy got called back to work for his previous employer and they kept saying that they wanted him back permanently but that was just to get him to come work for them while their other guy was at "training". 
• Because of all of this - our bills are always behind, namely rent. Luckily we have a great landlord who understands and is willing to work with us
• And lastly - The one dream I have always had, to be a mommy, was ripped right from my heart. 

I'm sure there are other reasons but these are at the forefront of my mind.

So with all of these feelings and emotions surging through my heart and head, seeing all the wonderful things everyone else is having happen in their lives is making my problems seem so much more worse than they probably are.  I caught myself more than once yesterday getting ready to post some negative nasty status update on facebook.  After about the third or fourth time of typing out a status update and then deleting it before I hit submit I realized that maybe it's time to unplug.  So that's just what I did.  I deactivated my facebook account. 

Don't get me wrong I am happy for those around me who are having these great things happen to them but I just can't stand to watch it all unfold in front of my face right now.  It's causing me too much more emotional distress than I can handle and it's starting to affect my relationship with the one person who cares about me the most.  So, for the foreseeable future I will not be on facebook.  It wasn't enough for me to just not log on, or to delete the app from my phone.  I know myself too well and I would just re-download the app.  I just need to have enough willpower to not allow myself to sign on when I'm on this computer.  So "semi" unplugged is what I am.  I still have my cell phone and house phone, and computer - I'm just going to steer clear of social networking for a while. At least until I feel that I can handle it again. 

After I deactivated my facebook account, I decided to watch The Secret.  I borrowed it from my friend Kim a long time ago and just never got around to watching it.  Anyway I half think its a crock of shit, but the other half of me thinks it might work.  So I'm gonna give it a try. Tomorrow I am going to make some "Think Boards" and hang them in my office or in my living room or somewhere I will see them often. I don't want to be depressed and sad and mad and upset all the time. It's not healthy.  Since I no longer am on Facebook - I will record my feelings here on my blog.  I really do need to start writing in this thing more often..it's so therapeutic to me.  

Thanks for listening :) Until next time! 

  

Everything Happens For a Reason...Right??

Everything happens for a reason.  Everyone always says that, hell, I always say that.  It's true though, right? Even if we don't know right then what that reason is. I've been trying to convince myself of this theory for the past few days.  Some moments I believe it and others I think its a crock of...well you know...

About 6 weeks ago Cowboy and I found out that we were expecting our first little bundle of joy.  We were shocked and scared and excited and happy and freaked out.  It wasn't planned, but it was a very welcome surprise.  Over the next few weeks we talked about what needed to be done. For starters, we both need to find full time good jobs with steady pay and some sort of insurance.  Because of course, getting pregnant couldn't have come at a more inopportune time - he's unemployed and I a working less than full time for a home health agency, averaging $250 or less a week. But it was OK because "everything would work out, it always does".  We also started talking about where we would like to move because our home now is just not big enough to bring a baby into, we're already cramped as it is.  It seemed that all these things were working against us but we were still OK because "everything will work out".

On March 23rd we had our first OB appointment.  We were so excited! We were gonna get to see our little peanut on the screen.  At this time I was 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  When the doctor performed the ultrasound, she said she was having trouble seeing the embryo but she said not to worry because it could be that A) I was earlier than we originally though (maybe only 5 wks), B) that my uterus was at a strange angle and she couldn't quite the a full picture, or C) that it could be a "blighted ovum".  I was upset and sad and scared, but trying to stay positive. All my blood work showed great numbers with high HCG levels that were increasing so that's a good thing.

We scheduled a follow up ultrasound for 10 days later because by then we should be able to see something.  I mean my levels were increasing, not decreasing so that's good right?  Well On Monday, April 2nd we went in for the Ultrasound and again were told there was nothing there.  It was confirmed.  I was pregnant with that thing called a "blighted ovum". What the heck is a blighted ovum?? Basically what it means is that a fertilized egg implanted in my uterus and started developing just like any regular pregnancy.  I created a gestational sac and I created a placenta, but for some reason, an embryo never developed - or stopped developing at a very early stage.

 I felt like someone punched me in the gut and just kept punching away. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt like the walls were closing in on me.  The rest of that day is sort of a blur.  I felt like my dreams had just been ripped right out of my heart.  I have never, in my life, ever felt so hopeless and heartbroken. Here i was, feeling every bit of pregnant with morning sickness (luckily it wasn't too bad), sore breasts, and emotions out of control.  But really, I wasn't pregnant. The doctor came in and explained to me that I had two options.  I could wait it out and my body would eventually miscarry and that it could take days or weeks for that to happen.  Considering I wasn't bleeding or cramping at all I imagine it would take weeks.  My second option was to go in for a D&C.  I chose the latter of the two.  So yesterday, Friday, I went in and surgically miscarried (in a sense). I decided this route because I would not have been able to emotionally handle the anticipation of a natural miscarriage.  Knowing that a miscarriage was imminent, I made the decision to just get it over with.

Yesterday I was "pregnant" and today I'm not.  A week ago, I was thinking about what my baby's name would be. Today I'm laying in bed with cramps and trying to make sense of why did this happen? What was the reason for me being pregnant even though I wasn't really pregnant.  Why did Cowboy and I have to go through this?

I am not sure I will ever know the reason for this.  But what I do know is that Cowboy and I have had our ups and downs throughout our relationship and we have always come out a stronger couple because of them.  I have no doubt that we are already a stronger couple because of this.  We have bonded in a way I never thought possible.  I have seen him in a new light over the past few days and while I have always known him to be a man with a rough exterior and a soft interior, I have seen just how soft he really can be.  Not everyone will ever see this side of him but all that matters is that I have seen it and I know, now more than ever, that he loves me and he wants the best for me.  He has done everything possible to make sure I'm feeling OK and have what I need.  Even though he is in intense pain from a broken leg, his priority is me.