It started out last week. Cowboy was spending all of his time and focusing all of his attention on a friend of his who was hospitalized (for what exactly I'm not sure but I think it was a mild heart attack). That started Monday night and by Friday I was really needing some attention. I tried really really hard to be understanding and for the most part I was but at 10pm on Friday night when he still wasn't home and I had been waiting for him all afternoon and evening I became irate. When he finally came home we got into a huge fight and I think that's when the flood gates opened.
I wasn't just mad at him I was mad at the whole world. I was mad at me for being mad...it was a perpetual downward spiral. I spent the next two days (yes, my whole weekend) in bed. I got up to shower, get something to drink and the occasional something to eat ( I didn't have much of an appetite). All of Saturday and most of Sunday we MAYBE said 20 words to each other.
So after watching enough TV to last me for the rest of the year - I was spending the rest of the time on facebook, on my phone. I am a facebook junkie - I will be the first to admit it. But the more I was on facebook the more depressed and upset I got. I started to feel like I was stuck in a house, looking out the window at everyone else's happy lives while mine continues to be shitty. Here are the ways I feel that my life is shitty:
- I can't find a good-full-time pay-by-the-hour job.
- The job I DO have has severely slowed down so my patient load is a fraction of what it once was - so instead of making almost $300 a week (which is pathetic considering I am a RN and COULD be making upwards of $1000 a week) I am now lucky to net $185 a week. This is not enough to survive on
- Cowboy got called back to work for his previous employer and they kept saying that they wanted him back permanently but that was just to get him to come work for them while their other guy was at "training".
- Because of all of this - our bills are always behind, namely rent. Luckily we have a great landlord who understands and is willing to work with us
- And lastly - The one dream I have always had, to be a mommy, was ripped right from my heart.
I'm sure there are other reasons but these are at the forefront of my mind.
So with all of these feelings and emotions surging through my heart and head, seeing all the wonderful things everyone else is having happen in their lives is making my problems seem so much more worse than they probably are. I caught myself more than once yesterday getting ready to post some negative nasty status update on facebook. After about the third or fourth time of typing out a status update and then deleting it before I hit submit I realized that maybe it's time to unplug. So that's just what I did. I deactivated my facebook account.
Don't get me wrong I am happy for those around me who are having these great things happen to them but I just can't stand to watch it all unfold in front of my face right now. It's causing me too much more emotional distress than I can handle and it's starting to affect my relationship with the one person who cares about me the most. So, for the foreseeable future I will not be on facebook. It wasn't enough for me to just not log on, or to delete the app from my phone. I know myself too well and I would just re-download the app. I just need to have enough willpower to not allow myself to sign on when I'm on this computer. So "semi" unplugged is what I am. I still have my cell phone and house phone, and computer - I'm just going to steer clear of social networking for a while. At least until I feel that I can handle it again.
After I deactivated my facebook account, I decided to watch The Secret. I borrowed it from my friend Kim a long time ago and just never got around to watching it. Anyway I half think its a crock of shit, but the other half of me thinks it might work. So I'm gonna give it a try. Tomorrow I am going to make some "Think Boards" and hang them in my office or in my living room or somewhere I will see them often. I don't want to be depressed and sad and mad and upset all the time. It's not healthy. Since I no longer am on Facebook - I will record my feelings here on my blog. I really do need to start writing in this thing more often..it's so therapeutic to me.
Thanks for listening :) Until next time!