Everything Happens For a Reason...Right??

Everything happens for a reason.  Everyone always says that, hell, I always say that.  It's true though, right? Even if we don't know right then what that reason is. I've been trying to convince myself of this theory for the past few days.  Some moments I believe it and others I think its a crock of...well you know...

About 6 weeks ago Cowboy and I found out that we were expecting our first little bundle of joy.  We were shocked and scared and excited and happy and freaked out.  It wasn't planned, but it was a very welcome surprise.  Over the next few weeks we talked about what needed to be done. For starters, we both need to find full time good jobs with steady pay and some sort of insurance.  Because of course, getting pregnant couldn't have come at a more inopportune time - he's unemployed and I a working less than full time for a home health agency, averaging $250 or less a week. But it was OK because "everything would work out, it always does".  We also started talking about where we would like to move because our home now is just not big enough to bring a baby into, we're already cramped as it is.  It seemed that all these things were working against us but we were still OK because "everything will work out".

On March 23rd we had our first OB appointment.  We were so excited! We were gonna get to see our little peanut on the screen.  At this time I was 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  When the doctor performed the ultrasound, she said she was having trouble seeing the embryo but she said not to worry because it could be that A) I was earlier than we originally though (maybe only 5 wks), B) that my uterus was at a strange angle and she couldn't quite the a full picture, or C) that it could be a "blighted ovum".  I was upset and sad and scared, but trying to stay positive. All my blood work showed great numbers with high HCG levels that were increasing so that's a good thing.

We scheduled a follow up ultrasound for 10 days later because by then we should be able to see something.  I mean my levels were increasing, not decreasing so that's good right?  Well On Monday, April 2nd we went in for the Ultrasound and again were told there was nothing there.  It was confirmed.  I was pregnant with that thing called a "blighted ovum". What the heck is a blighted ovum?? Basically what it means is that a fertilized egg implanted in my uterus and started developing just like any regular pregnancy.  I created a gestational sac and I created a placenta, but for some reason, an embryo never developed - or stopped developing at a very early stage.

 I felt like someone punched me in the gut and just kept punching away. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt like the walls were closing in on me.  The rest of that day is sort of a blur.  I felt like my dreams had just been ripped right out of my heart.  I have never, in my life, ever felt so hopeless and heartbroken. Here i was, feeling every bit of pregnant with morning sickness (luckily it wasn't too bad), sore breasts, and emotions out of control.  But really, I wasn't pregnant. The doctor came in and explained to me that I had two options.  I could wait it out and my body would eventually miscarry and that it could take days or weeks for that to happen.  Considering I wasn't bleeding or cramping at all I imagine it would take weeks.  My second option was to go in for a D&C.  I chose the latter of the two.  So yesterday, Friday, I went in and surgically miscarried (in a sense). I decided this route because I would not have been able to emotionally handle the anticipation of a natural miscarriage.  Knowing that a miscarriage was imminent, I made the decision to just get it over with.

Yesterday I was "pregnant" and today I'm not.  A week ago, I was thinking about what my baby's name would be. Today I'm laying in bed with cramps and trying to make sense of why did this happen? What was the reason for me being pregnant even though I wasn't really pregnant.  Why did Cowboy and I have to go through this?

I am not sure I will ever know the reason for this.  But what I do know is that Cowboy and I have had our ups and downs throughout our relationship and we have always come out a stronger couple because of them.  I have no doubt that we are already a stronger couple because of this.  We have bonded in a way I never thought possible.  I have seen him in a new light over the past few days and while I have always known him to be a man with a rough exterior and a soft interior, I have seen just how soft he really can be.  Not everyone will ever see this side of him but all that matters is that I have seen it and I know, now more than ever, that he loves me and he wants the best for me.  He has done everything possible to make sure I'm feeling OK and have what I need.  Even though he is in intense pain from a broken leg, his priority is me.